i am not that strong

ya allah tolong hamba-Mu ini

sungguh aku tak sanggup utk hadapi semua nih

tolong ya allah sembuhkan dia

belum masa utk nyawa dia di ambil. tolong ya allah

ya allah aku tak kuat

.its still there.

only this word i want to say

"i miss you"

.hurt me a lot.

yes, it is called pressure.

they pressed me so much and i cant hold them anymore.

ohh tears, please dont be too cheap. tahu lah dah lama tak menangis tapi bukan sekarang. belom masanya lagi. *haihh.dok tahan pown keluar jugak*

i just have no idea why tonight i got emotional. why and why.

fine.

nak nangisla. mlm ni mlm ramadhan. bagus sgt la tuh.

i wish i could wish u but no, i cant. its no risky.

.end of everything.

i've tried a few times to contact u but still zero.awak2..kejam awak buat mcm nih.

u should just tell me, not hide it from me.

knp? takowt saya tak boleh trime? ohh come on, berita awak dah kawen pown saya boleh trima.

takkan yg nih saya tak boleh kan?

penatla pikir mcm nih/ boleh tak tlg saya stop pikir pasal awak?

*sigh

.what if.

hdup nih indah dan senang kalow 'what if' wujud

.bendera putih.

kali ni saya mengaku saya angkat bendera putih. maaf, bukan mengalah tapi saya tak mahu dikata perosak segala galanya. saya tahu saya teruk. tak perlu ckp. antara tak ada apa apa dan selamanya tak akan ada apa apa kan? saya tak penat menunggu tapi saya bodoh sebab teus menunggu.

sekarang awak hak dia dan saya orang luar. saya patut mengalah. saya patut undur diri. dengan segala hormatnya saya undur diri. macam tuh?

awak ada banyak masalah. saya nak kongsi tapi tak kasi, saya tahu. apa lagi yang boleh saya tolong awak/ saya nak tolong.

airmata dah kering kontang. tak ada yang dah keluar. walau setitis. walau lagu sebijik kena kat diri sendiri. apa perlu saya buat. saya tahu saya perlu menangis. perlu sgt2 sebab beban perasaan bagai tampung gunung. memang melampau.

saya takut. takut hadapi masa depan. macam mana saya nak hidup dengan fikiran dan perasaan yang kosong tanpa awak?

.i hate u.

no, im not. i cant. i know i have to stop thinking about you but then i cant do anything. u have too. stop it. i do really hate it.
i want to hate you but i cant. please, say sth. at least to not make me confuse. im tired with all this. i know u too. and i cant be selfish. but tell me what im supposed to do?

.still.

this is my busy week and i am hoping that i can forget about him. but, still, i cant.
i am trying to not think even for a second, but yet i am. why it is so hard?
it has been more that a week he went there. and still there's no news about him. i have no idea why he went there without informed me. yes, im stupid. i dont know why.
please stop it. i'm tired of it.
if u wish to leave, yes u may but please return it back what u have took from me.
i know i can't stop u, but please. dont treat me like this. i hate it.

.bila hati berlagu sedih.

bila hatiku berlagu sedih, apa lagi yang mampu ku buat, air mata meleleh di pipi bagai empangan air yg pecah.
ku tak mampu menahan perasaan sebak menyebak yg datang mengetuk pintu hati. air mata minta diturunkan dari tingkapnye. lantas tuala kecilku menjadi mangsa kebasahan air mataku.
ku tahu ku merepek di sekian kalinya di sini tapi ku tak peduli itu semua.
apa yang ku merepek kan di sini, adalah apa yang ku merepek kan di hatiku.
berserabut. ya, memang berserabut. kucuba bertenang. ya, ku kelihatan tenang tanpa masalah di hadapan semua, tapi di belakang aku lah sekecil kecil manusia yang tidak mampu menahan emosi yg sarat di hati.
utk kamu yg jauh di mata tp tidak akan jauh di hati,
maafkan ku andai aku terlalu beremosi sebegini. ku turutkan katamu utk berhubung namun kamu, membisu seribu bahasa. masa yang tinggal semakin singkat. mengapa tidak kita manfaatkan masa yang ada. ku tahu situasi kamu namun kenapa kamu masih berdiam diri, merahsia segalanya dari ku. berdosa kah ku andai ku ketahui perkara itu? bersalahkah ku atas segala yg terjadi? benarkah kata kata perempuan itu? andai itu maksud mu, ku rela undur diri andai itu yg kamu mahu, andai itu yang menggembirakan kamu.
ku rela dalam terpaksa, tapi kutahu tempat mu di sini tiada pengganti, selamanya. mustahil? ya mustahil tapi tiada apa yg mustahil.
maaf
dariku yang sentiasa dekat tapi jauh

.sorry.kecewa sgt.

ok. he's back, a few days ago. a week ealy than i thought. thats great. so damn great. but, i dunno how, why, and what. she texted me. and told me a damn shittt story. ahh pmpuan. aku jugak pmpuan tp jgn tunjuk desperate sgt. *like he said.*
and you. im sorry i acted like this but i've no choice. imagine u as me. then you'll know why.
yes. im so damn disappointed with you. plus, you're not understand me, at all. why?why?why?
maybe im kind of stupid but then, please. i want to cry and i've cried but till when? shit.

thank you soo much for his pain.=[

kerinduan lagi

what else i can say except i miss you. right now, i do miss you and i do really need you.i really need you very much. my feeling is sick like in icu. not only because of ur absence, but my surrounding.
you have no idea how much i hate them. i dont know but i think that i cant face them, even talk to them. this is my big mistake i've ever made. i should not come back here.
i need you to comfort me. i want to cry and i almost cry.

i hate them. i hate them i hate them.=[ what should i do?

adam, i miss you.

kerinduan

ok. right now i do really miss u. i dont know why. wat i know is i miss u damn much. and i want to talk with u. it is sad that u are not here, with me, but it is worst if you forget me. dont ever, ok? =)
i miss you dear!
ok. melalut lalut sudah. maaf ye.=)
maybe tomorrow i get a new phone, buy it with my own money ok. thats great actually.=)
just now, i discovered my phone and looked at my saved messages. it about a thousand of messages from him(which some of them i have been deleted a few weeks ago). and what i got? i got this feeling. i miss him and i love him. yes, i do love him. i am not a person who is good in expressing herself. i dont know what happen to me but yes, i do really love him. this 4-years-relationship is a wonderful thing in my life. love you is the best thing, but loved by you is the best of all.=)
i felt like i dont want to delete your messages because that the only memory i have with you. once you go for your 5-years-study, i know exactly that we will not ever contacting each other. it is not me who dont want but of course it is you. you go together with part of me. hajimaa...
ok.
my dear you, i hate it when you are always keep a secret from me. at least tell me. why? dont you think that you hurt by that way? please my dear, tell me ok? once you come back, please do tell me. i need to know ok.
sayang awak, rindu awak.
remember? SARA.

owh yea, one more thing. i will keep writing here until next two weeks. i feel like i'm talking with. am i right? so please comeback earlier so that i can stop typing here ok.

enough with babbling.
bye.

beep beep

my phone berbunyi, tanda ada msg masok.
firstly, i was curious to know who sent me a msg. but then, i remembered 1 thing. that was not his msg, he was not here and he'll be here next 2 weeks. how come i forget about that. for this two weeks, i ignored my phone. because i know whoever send me msg, thats definitely not him.

now i know, how is my life without him. i cant imagine myself without him for about 5years, or maybe more than that. i admit, i miss him damn much right now. and i want him so badly. but he is not here. i cant talk to him like i always do.

adam, please be here as soon as possible. i really cant let you go. you have no idea how much i miss you.

please take care of yourself and dont ever be naughty ok.=)

i miss you.

bye.

right now

right now, im very sure that hes already gone. from here. i hate that n i hate when he go w/o saying a word. not even a gudbye. a worst bufday in my life.

i know its hard to say gudbye

i dun want to say it too. but..

ya allah, bantu aku..

today

right. today is my day. however i cant celebrate it because of u. see?? you dont even remember it. tahu tak macam mane saya rase?? sedih, terkilan. at least say sth.
today is your last day here. you know what? thats my greatest gift from you.

thanks for everything.

dont~~

i got a bad news today. pliz, dont leave me here. even though we are not mean for each other, but pliz, i need you badly. at least i know you are still here. close to me. i can still contact you. but once you go, i can never reach you, again. i want to go with you, but thats impossible. i can do it, but i cant. i know its gud for you to go but from other side, no you cant. stay here!
i wish i could take care of you. i wish i could stay by your side. i wish. and i wish.

pliz, dont go away.
=((

.2010.

ok. selamat datang 2010. terlambat ckit. tp xpela =)))
ok.*lagi* azam baru? honestly xde. sbb kalow ade pown tak tertunai.hihi.
apa2pown, memandangkan tahun ni adela sem akhir diploma, saya nak wat yg terbaek bcoz saya nk fly!!! seriusly. im not kidding. walaupown setakat amik akaun je, n xdela sehebat mana saya dlm bidang ni, tp saya tetap mahu teruskan pengajian saya di luar negara.
ok. *lagi dan lagi* itula target saya tahu nih.
so wat im supposed to do is, blaja betol2 n fokus betol2. tak mahu men2 n tak mahu pikir masalah2 yg merepek2. walaupown tgn kanan nih masih belom pulih tp ini jadi pembakar semangat utk saya terus blaja.
saya tak suka orang tgk saya blaja. saya tak suka org tahu saya sedang blaja. so pliz, saya tahu awak dah pandai dan janganla cakap yg sebaliknya sbb itu membuatkan saya rase menyampah. dan tak perlu bersaing dgn saya sbb saya takkan dpt tandingi awak ok?


semoga 2010 memberi cahaya segala cahaya kepada saya.


bye.